the Adventures of the Pied Pietts
by Emiko
Summary: One minor Star Wars character (Admiral Piett) and a twelve-year-old girl traverse timespace... Chapter eight up! I just couldn't leave the story hanging like that... XD
1. Author's Notes

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or any of the other series parodied in this fic series. I also don't have any money. Suing me would be pointless.  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
These notes are very important. Please pay attention.  
  
First, I wrote this when I was twelve or so, which was some six years ago. I know it's not the greatest piece of fiction ever created, but I had a lot of fun writing it at the time, and it still makes me laugh. Because it makes me laugh, I am posting it for others to read. I hope it causes involuntary convulsions for you, too, though it is not always funny. At least part of my laughter is because I actually wrote this, and since chances are you did not, that part of the joke will be lost. I'm sorry.  
  
This fic really requires some familiarity with a lot of things, but most important is knowledge of Admiral Piett. He was a Star Wars character who appeared in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Okay, remember in Empire Strikes Back when Vader chokes the Admiral with the mustache? Piett is the guy who gets promoted.  
  
Once again, please keep in mind this was written by a twelve-year-old. It helps.  
  
If you're wondering about chapter length: when I originally wrote this, it was in Quark XPress, and each chapter came out to two pages. Exactly. The sole exception is the first chapter, which was three pages.  
  
Thanks in advance for reading and reviewing, even if it's just to say "this is crap." I won't mind, really. I just hope you'll take the time to read some of my other things and agree that my writing has progressed a great deal. Hey, everyone has to start somewhere. This is where I started.  
  
~Emiko 


	2. One

The Adventures of the Pied Piett  
Part 1  
  
It was a normal day on the Executor for Fleet Admiral Piett. He was just sitting down to enjoy his cup of what we would called coffee, but has a different name in Star Wars. At least, I think it's different...  
"You're digressing," the Admiral informed the writer. Oops, that's me! Sorry.  
Well, as I was saying, the Admiral was trying to enjoy his coffee, only it wasn't coffee. It was something rather like coffee but entirely different.  
"Are you getting paid by the hour?"  
No, for your information, I am not getting paid at all. I was trying to make a reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series.  
"Well, you've misquoted it, and it was about tea, not coffee."  
I know that--hey, do you mind?  
Ahem. As I was saying, he was drinking his coffee when suddenly, into the room burst a giant six-headed snarling alien that was hungry FOR HUMAN BLOOD!!!  
"Excuse me, but a monster like that is running loose on the Executor? Are you implying I'm unfit to command this ship?"  
No, I--please be quiet. Forget the monster. There was no monster. Instead, it's Lieutenant Jay Migali.  
"Never heard of him."  
What, now you know all of your crew by name? Just sit there and be quiet. Now, Migali was bringing a report of the monster which had ripped a hole in the time/space continuum and was now devouring the crew of the Executor.  
"But," interrupted the Admiral, as it was his ship and he was in command, "Darth Vader used his Jedi powers to destroy the monster. The End."  
  
THE E-----  
  
"Excuse you," said a small and very unassuming girl standing next to Piett. He turned and looked at the girl, who was only a teenager and shouldn't have been on the ship.  
"How did you get here?" asked Piett, surprised, as the girl had not been there a minute ago.  
"Easy. I wrote myself in. Now, I have come to tell you that in five seconds another space-time continuum monster is going to break down the door and you had better save me, or else I'm writing you into the X-men."  
"X-what?"  
"A terrible universe filled with subhuman life forms that are superior to humans."  
Piett dropped his not-coffee mug on the ground, and it bounced, because no fool drinks out of real glass onboard a ship where you could be attacked at any moment. The not-coffee went flying everywhere.  
"Surely you're joking!" Piett told the girl, who was now wearing not-coffee on her blouse, only it was no longer a blouse. It was a miniature Imperial uniform now. And the not-coffee disappeared.  
"No joke," the girl assured him. "Just do what I tell you. Here comes the monster."  
There was a terrible crash against the outside of the door, then a high-pitched scratching sound and some screams. Piett looked at the girl, then looked at the door where several dents were now beginning to form. He turned white.  
The girl patted Piett on the back and said, "hope you know how to kill a subdimensional monster."  
"I thought it was time/space continuum, not subdimensional."  
"Whatever," replied the girl, handing Piett his blaster, which was odd because Piett had been wearing his blaster.  
"Whatever," Piett repeated, aiming at the door.  
There was another loud crash, and the door burst open, revealing the terrible subdimensional-time/space continuum monster!  
"Hi!" the monster said.  
"Hi," replied Piett, aiming at its furry head.  
"My name's Ed," the monster continued, "and I'm not really a bad monster. You should kill the girl, because she's trying to control your life."  
Piett thought, then thought some more, and decided the monster was right.  
"Thanks Ed." Piett turned and pointed the blaster at the girl, who blinked and chewed some gum, only it wasn't gum, because--  
"Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't done yet," Ed informed the room. "Y'see, that girl is preventing the wonderful universe of Barney from entering this one, and she must be stopped for the betterment of mankind. You'll be a hero! Just think of it, honeybuns!"  
"Honeybuns?" the Admiral mouthed, turning to the subtrimensional apparition of terror and childish songs. "Barney?" He looked at the girl.  
"Yep. It's true, all of it. I don't have control over the monster, you know, because he belongs to Barney. If you die, I die too."  
"You mean the purple amphibian who entertains children for a living?"  
"You've heard of him?" piped Ed hopefully.  
"Actually, he's supposed to be related to a reptile or bird, specifically a dinosaur. He's just not," clarified the girl. "I'm surprised you've heard of Barney here."  
"Of course," replied the Admiral with an indignant glare. "Who doesn't know about that monstrosity?"  
And with that, Piett turned the blaster back on Ed and fired. Ed disappeared.  
"What, no blood and guts?" asked Piett disappointedly.  
"Sorry, nope."  
  
An hour later, after the doors had been repaired, Piett finally sat down to drink his not-coffee, and next to him the girl drank some real tea.  
"Do you think I can try that Hitchhiker's Guide reference again?"  
"Only if you get it right," the Admiral told her in between sips of his not-coffee. After a few moments, he added, "and you haven't even told me your name yet."  
"Piett," the girl replied, grinning.  
"No, I'm Piett. Who are you?"  
"Piett, too."  
"Piett two, then."  
"No, Piett, too. T-O-O, not T-W-O."  
The Admiral considered. "I can't very well allow both of us to be called Piett. That's confusing."  
The girl nodded in agreement. "Sure is! But I'm Piett, too, so you'll have to live with it."  
"Don't you have a first name?"  
"You first."  
Piett gulped down the rest of his not-coffee and quickly said something unintelligible.  
"What?"  
"Don't expect me to repeat it," Piett told Piett, too.  
"No," Piett, too said. "Not 'Piett, too,' just 'Piett.'"  
"Whatever you say, just Piett." replied Piett, pouring himself another cup of not-coffee.  
The girl frowned and turned very red.  
"Is something wrong, just Piett?"  
"Em," the girl grumbled.  
"Hm?"  
"Em."  
"Hm?"  
"Give it up, Piett. You can call me Em."  
Piett shrugged at Em, then announced, "you are small, so I will call you Little Em, Lil' Em, or Lilem."  
Lilem growled at Piett. "Who's writing this, anyways?"  
  
THE END  
  
NEXT TIME: Piett and Lilem battle -- YET ANOTHER OF BARNEY'S MAD MINIONS!!!! BWAAHAAHAA!!! And after that they battle the actual Barney.  
  
"Wait, I don't want to battle another minion before Barney. Let's skip to Barney," complained Lilem.  
"No, we have to get rid of Baby Poop, or whatever her name is, first, so she can't take over the Empire when Barney's gone."  
"Phooey. Adults," grumbled Lilem.  
Piett smiled and wrote:  
  
THE END  
  
NEXT TIME: Piett and Lilem battle Baby Poop!  
  
"You do realize it's not really 'Baby Poop,' right?"  
"Drink your tea," ordered Piett, sipping his not-coffee. "I'm not going to write 'the end' one more time!" 


	3. Two

The Adventures of the Pied Pietts  
Chapter (?) 2  
  
"What the '(?)' for?" asked Lilem.  
"I am not sure as to whether or not these are chapters, episodes, articles, or even some new term yet to be defined. They are similar to chapters, but I put the question mark because I'm not sure."  
"Ah, and when did you become the writer?"  
"Well," began Piett, sitting back in his chair that did not tilt but tilted now. "It all started when you wrote yourself into the story. When you did that, you were subject to the stimuli in the story, and thus were unable to write, but simply act. While you were disoriented, I grabbed control of the story, as I am an adult and have better control."  
"Oh," replied Lilem gloomily. "I see." She sipped a cup of not-coffee that Piett had been drinking a moment before, but it changed into tea, as this not-coffee was alcoholic, and little kids should not be drinking not-coffee anyhow.  
"I am not a 'little kid,'" objected Lilem. "And plus, if you have control of the story, send me back and I won't try this again."  
Piett chuckled. "Oh, no. I intend to make you sorry first by making you do what you wanted me to do. Then I will send you back, if I want to."  
Lilem was about to object, when suddenly a putrid smell entered the room. Lilem wrinkled her nose, but Piett paid it no attention.  
"What's that smell?"  
"I don't smell anything," Piett calmly said, drinking Lilem's tea. Lilem sniffed around in the air.  
"It smells like-- like--"  
"Baby Poop," responded Piett automatically, as a green object that was supposed to be a dinosaur but wasn't walked into the room.  
"Eeee! Baby Poop!" shrieked Lilem, grabbing Piett's uniform and pulling on it. "But it's supposed to be Baby Bop, not Baby Poop!"  
"I, as an adult, have better control and was able to modify the nature of this minion of Barney's. I can't make it disappear, though. Luckily, I made it so I can't smell it."  
The doors closed after Baby Poop, but not before another person sneaked in. It was Lieutenant Jay Migali.  
"How did you get in here?" Piett asked Migali, confused.  
"I wrote him in!" boasted Lilem, crossing her arms, but then changed her mind and grabbed Piett's arm again. "I used all of my concentration to bring in a new element you could not control, because you are inexperienced with fanfic writing, despite your age. Oh, and you can smell Baby Poop now."  
Piett turned white and gagged, trying to breath through his uniform, which was water-proof, fire-proof, and airtight. He gagged for lack of oxygen and was forced to breathe the stinky air, which caused him to gag a third time.  
"I take it you're not married," frowned Migali. Piett glared, but did not respond.  
"Hey, Lieutenant Jay Migali," called Lilem, pronouncing it "Jay-mi Gaw-li." It was the correct pronunciation, of course, and a dedication to a friend of Lilem's from elementary school.  
"What is it?" asked Jay, walking around the green not-dinosaur.  
"I was wondering--" Lilem said, but the rest of her words were cut off by a roar from Baby Poop. The not-dinosaur charged, trying to ram the three Imperials on her head.  
"You're an Imperial now?" Piett asked Lilem, causing Baby Poop's charge to pause.  
"I'm wearing a uniform," she pointed out.  
"Why so you are," noted Migali, and time resumed.  
Baby Poop screamed in fury as the three ran, jumped, and flew out of the way, each one performing a different action. Baby Poop screeched to a halt before she crashed into the wall, and singled out Piett.  
"You!" she cried, waving her pudgy not-dinosaur hand.  
"Me?" replied Piett meekly, who had run out of Baby Poop's way earlier.  
"Yes, you," continued Baby Poop. "You killed Ed, didn't you?"  
"Er, yes, I suppose I did."  
Baby Poop screamed again and charged at Piett.  
In a flash, Piett remembered his temporal distortion blaster, or standard issue Imperial blaster, hanging at his side. He drew it and fired at Baby Poop, just in the nick of time.  
Blood and guts splattered everywhere. Piett blinked, surprised.  
"Hey, blood and guts," exclaimed Lilem. "Looks like you got what you wanted."  
"Oh, Lilem, you wanted to ask me something earlier?" inquired Migali.  
Lilem paused to consider, ignoring the stunned Piett who was standing and not moving.  
"Oh, yes, I remember now. I was wondering: if Piett's not in control of the story, and I'm not, who is?"  
"Me, of course," said Migali with a smile, as he triumphantly wrote:  
  
THE END  
  
NEXT WEEK: Piett, Lilem, and our hero, Migali, will battle it out for control of the story! But, will the mushy-goody-goody-four-five-and-six-shoes Barney interrupt? And who gets control, anyways? Stay tuned for: TWO POTS OF BALONEY!  
  
"This guys stinks," muttered Lilem, glaring at Migali as she temporarily regained control of the story and wrote:  
  
NEXT WEEK: We stay away from corny titles as Piett and Lilem kill Lt. Migali! But, will Barney interrupt the bloodfest?  
  
"No, no," groaned Piett, gaining control himself and managing to write quickly:  
  
NEXT TIME: Piett kills Lilem and Migali with his Writer's Block, but not before the three save the universe from Blarney!! And-- Baby Poop? Blarney? Piett!-- Heh. Now I'm in control again. Grr... Heh heh. You can't beat the Great Migali! BRUHAHAHA!!!!! 


	4. Three

The Adventures of the Pied Pietts!  
Chapter/Episode/Article/et cetera #3!!  
  
"Hey, Migali, what's with all the corny exclamation points?" asked Lilem!!!  
"I happen to like exclamation points," replied Migali!!!  
"Yeah, well, CUT IT OUT!" yelled Piett, using the exclamation point correctly. He reached behind him and pulled out his Writer's Block.  
Migali turned white as a sheet. "Hey, consider what you're doing," he objected, waving his hands in front of him. "You don't want to regret any actions in the future!"  
"Oh, I'm sure I won't regret this!" Piett growled angrily as the Writer's Block began to grow.  
"H--hey! But I'm in charge of the stor--"  
There was silence. Blissful silence. Piett and Lilem sat down at their table and began to sip not-coffee and tea.  
"Well done, Admiral," congratulated Lilem.  
"Why, thank you. I did do that rather well, didn't I?"  
"Beautifully."  
They sipped and smiled. Steam rose up from their cups and the room was almost heavenly.  
Almost, except there was a large purple not-dinosaur standing in the center of it.  
"Ahhh!" shrieked Lilem, spraying tea everywhere.  
"Ahhh!" shrieked Piett, spraying not-coffee everywhere.  
"Hullo there!" Barney giggled, waving his stumpy not-dinosaur arms around.  
Lilem sat up from where she had fallen over and looked at Piett, who had similarly fallen over. "I thought it was Blarney?"  
"Er, I thought that might be a bad idea, after the Baby Poop incident and all."  
"I love you!" grinned Barney with his unmoving mouth.  
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" screamed Piett and Lilem, louder than before. They scrambled out of the room and into the hallway, but instead found themselves on Barney's set.  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
Piett grabbed Lilem. Lilem grabbed Piett. They stood there, hugging each other and screaming.  
"Quick, back to the cafeteria!" yelled Piett, and they turned back to the door--  
--Only there was no more door!  
"YYIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" they bellowed, creating the loudest scream ever heard. Barney appeared in the center of the room.  
"What's the problem, guys?" he asked playfully, waving his stupid arms and nodding his stupid head.  
"I'LL tell you what's the problem," replied Piett, regaining his control and letting go of Lilem, who did not let go of him.  
"What are you trying to do?" she hissed as Piett attempted to extract himself from Lilem's grasp.  
"Get off me," he hissed back.  
"It's Barney! Be the hero, stupid! Save me!!"  
"No. Save yourself," Piett hissed, gritting his teeth together.  
"Hey, there, little buddies," interrupted Barney. "Whaddaya say we sing a song?"  
As impossible as this seems, Piett and Lilem broke the sound barrier with their next scream.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"PIETT, SAVE ME!" added Lilem in a more normal screaming voice.  
"SAVE ME!!!" he screamed back, also back to normal.  
Piett grabbed Lilem's arm, but Lilem clawed at him to try and get him off her. In the confusion, Lilem ended up with Piett's blaster and Piett ended up with the producer's dentures. He quickly threw them away.  
"Take this, Barney!" yelled Lilem, pointing the blaster and firing. The blast hit Barney in the stomach, and he sizzled into nothingness.  
They stood and stared.  
"We did it," Lilem finally gasped, grinning. Then they turned around to face the live studio audience.  
"Uh, Lilem?" asked Piett very slowly.  
"Yes, Piett?" she replied nervously.  
"You did it!" he yelped and ran off the stage.  
A small child in the front row started to cry, and soon every other child in the room was crying. The mothers ran in to comfort their children, but then a mother stepped up to Lilem.  
"What have you done!? Now we'll never get out kids to be quiet!" she barked.  
"Stay back," warned Lilem, swinging the blaster-which-was-now-a-lightsaber around in the air. The blade hummed as it sliced through the air.  
"Noooo!!" the enraged mothers cried simultaneously, charging forward.  
Then, from the side of the stage, Piett rushed forward with a lightsaber of his own.  
"I've gotten control of the story back!" he called to Lilem.  
"Yes!" she cheered, and was suddenly outfitted with a lightsaber in either hand and shields on her arms. Piett came roaring back with a shield in one hand and a giant sword in the other.  
"I've always wanted to do this!" he informed Lilem happily.  
"DOWN WITH BARNEY!" they cried, slicing at the hordes of people around them. As soon as one of the mothers was hit, she disappeared. Within minutes the crowd had disappeared. Unfortunately, Piett and Lilem were left with a lot of crying children...  
THE TEMPORARY END  
  
"Piett! What do we do!?"  
"Deal with it next week!"  
"That's not going to solve anything!"  
"Yeah, well at least I don't have to deal with this now!"  
  
NEXT TIME: Piett and Lilem are forced to do the unthinkable! Kill children or change diapers? Er, we can't very well kill innocent children, so... Oh, drat. Baby Poop returns. 


	5. Four

The Adventures of the Pied Pietts  
*Whatever* #4!  
  
"Whatever!?" objected Lilem, pointing to the word.  
"Well, what do you think this is? A book? A magazine series? A television series?" replied Piett, wading through the crying children. One clung to his leg. "Get off," Piett ordered the child, who showed no sign of understanding.  
"Piett, it's a baby, it can't understand English."  
"What? Ingish?"  
"English. E-N-G-L-I-S-H. You call it Basic, I think. The language we're speaking."  
"Ah," said Piett, as if a light has just gone on in his head. "Well, what do I do about the baby?"  
"Ignore it."  
Piett tried. Really hard. But when he looked down at his feet again, there were three babies hooked onto his boots, two on the left and one on the right. Then he started to smell something quite unpleasant.  
"Lilem, what's that?"  
"What?" Lilem replied, fiddling with a leftover lightsaber.  
"That smell."  
Lilem sniffed the air lightly. "What? Kerosene? Gunpowder?"  
"No, don't you smell it?" Piett wrinkled his nose in distaste.  
Again, Lilem sniffed at the air. A terrible look spread across her face.  
"Piett, we have a problem."  
"What is it?" Piett replied innocently.  
"Okay, how do I explain this? Come here and sit down."  
With a noticeable show of effort, Piett marched through the ocean of wailing babies up to the stage. When he had completed his difficult trek, there were four more babies on his legs. They were starting to pile up. Dragging them carefully (regulations could be so strict when it came to killing human children and maintaining comedy at the same time), Piett seated himself in the director's chair, across from Lilem. "Yes?" he asked.  
"Okay," breathed Lilem, putting the lightsaber down and crossing her legs. Piett was unable to even move his legs due to the seven babies located there. "I'm sure you know all about biological processes?"  
"Of course, I'm not an idiot."  
"Well, perhaps you don't have a lot of experience with young children--"  
"No, I don't," interrupted Piett gruffly, and obviously in a bad mood.  
"Will you stop interrupting!? Anyways, young children do not have control over every function. That's what diapers are for."  
"You mean . . . ?"  
"Yes."  
For a brief moment, Piett sat very quietly and looked at Lilem. Very slowly, he said, "Lilem, get them off me."  
"Don't overreact--" warned Lilem, raising her hand defensively.  
"I'm not overreacting. I'M STARK RAVING MAD!" And with that, Piett pulled the babies off, standing up and kicking them away.  
"Piett, no!!" exclaimed Lil--  
At once, the censor appeared and placed a hand on Piett's shoulder. "Excuse me, sir, but if you continue to harm those children, I'll be forced to write you out of this story."  
"Who the h--- are you?" asked Piett, only one of the words was marked out with a beeping noise. Just enough of the word was left to tell what it was.  
"He's a FOX censor," whispered Lilem into Piett's ear. "They call themselves censors, but they leave just enough of the word left so you know what it is. Fascinating, hm?"  
"Fascinating, I'm sure. Now, get the h--- out of my story! And quit the censoring!"  
"Can't. It's my job."  
"I'm afraid I'm with Piett on this one, Mr. Censor."  
"Please, call me Joe."  
"Fine, Joe," replied Lilem, scowling. "You can't start censoring us now. We've already done a whole lot of violence that could have been censored, so it's unfair to start censoring now."  
"No, it's fair," explained Joe, "because at first, your story was just a fanfic, and there are plenty of dirtier ones out there, but now it's attracted corporate attention, and we want to make it into a Saturday Morning Cartoon."  
"Here's what I think of your 'Saturday Morning Cartoons!'" yelled Piett, picking up a television camera. He tried to throw it, but it stopped inches above Joe's head. Joe grinned.  
"It's no use," whispered Lilem, lightly touching Piett's shoulder. "There's only one solution."  
Quickly, Lilem ran over to one of the computers used by the tech crew. Naturally, it had Internet access, and naturally, the most recent sites visited were for porn. The censor quickly blotted out the site addresses, but that wasn't important. Lilem typed in a new address.  
"What are you doing?" asked Piett.  
"Just sit tight," replied Lilem, moving the mouse around and clicking a few links. Soon, she had what she wanted. After checking the printer connection, she told the computer to print a few documents. She waited a moment for them to print and brought them over for Piett to see.  
"What's this?"  
"This," said Lilem triumphantly, "is proof that you are a Jedi, and in the prequels."  
Piett looked at the pictures, understanding what they meant. With a grin, he turned towards the censor. "CENSOR THIS!"  
With a burst of Force-energy, Piett electrocuted the censor on the spot. Joe fizzled into nothingness.  
"Well done!" applauded Lilem. "Too bad you're not really a Jedi!"  
  
THE END  
  
NEXT TIME: What about Baby Poop? And doesn't that prove Piett is a Jedi? Beats me! 


	6. Five

The Adventures of the Pied Pietts  
Chapter 5  
  
"What do you mean I'm not a Jedi?" objected Piett.  
"Well, simply put, you're not."  
"Yes I am."  
"No, you're not."  
"Yes I am."  
"No, you're not."  
"Yes I am."  
"No. You. Are. Not."  
"I just proved it, didn't I?"  
"One would think so, wouldn't one?" said Lilem in a high-and-mighty voice.  
"Yes. One would. So would two, or even four. But that's beside the point. The point is, I am a Jedi, because I have Jedi powers."  
"Listen up," said Lilem, turning around to face Piett. She was now considerably taller, and Piett noticed she was wearing platform shoes for the effect. "You are not a Jedi. You work with Darth Vader. Darth Vader does not like Jedis, and being a Jedi himself, can identify other Jedi. Therefore, if you were a Jedi, Darth Vader would have killed you upon seeing you."  
Piett stared at Lilem and started to laugh. "You silly girl! Darth Vader would have liked to have a Jedi who didn't know he was Jedi, because that way Darth Vader could have the Jedi under his control!"  
"So you want to be someone's weak little pet?"  
"Um," considered Piett.  
"I didn't think so." She turned back to what she was doing.  
"What are you doing?" asked Piett, trying to look over he shoulder. Lilem turned back and started to say something, but stopped and pointed excitedly.  
"Mara Jade!" she squeaked. Piett turned and whistled.  
"Lilem, I didn't think you were into such things!"  
Lilem did a double take. It was Mara Jade, but in her underwear and wearing the cap of an Imperial uniform. Mara turned at Piett's whistle and glared.  
"Something wrong, Admiral?" asked Mara in a stern and commanding voice.  
"She called me by name," whispered Piett to Lilem.  
"Don't be an idiot. For one thing, Admiral is your rank, not your name, and for another thing, she was talking to me."  
"Wha--" Piett started to say, but Lilem shushed him and addresses Mara.  
"My sincerest apologies, Gentlelady Jade. The male counterpart of our species is severely lacking in a number of ways. I was wondering if you knew how to return to our regular universe?"  
Mara considered, looking negatively at Piett and positively at Lilem. "I like what you say, Admiral," she replied, "but I don't like him. Nevertheless, being your companion, he must have some value. Simply walk down that way and use the door. You'll be returned to our universe." Mara pointed down the hallway leading off the stage.  
"Many thanks," said Lilem, bowing and dragging Piett by the arm. Mara continued on her way, Piett openmouthed in disbelief and pointing at himself as if he were trying to speak.  
Once Lilem had dragged Piett into the hallway, she paused to scrape some babies off her feet. Piett did the same, but glared at Lilem. "Since when are you an admiral?" he demanded, throwing a baby offscreen.  
"Since my uniform says so," she retorted, thrusting her chest out to emphasize the rank emblem. Piett was not arou--amused.  
"You don't have any military background," he grumbled as they made their way to the door. Lilem didn't even honor him with a response. Instead, she pushed open the door.  
Much to their surprise, the door led not to the Executor, but to the Imperial Palace on Coruscant. Only it wasn't occupied by the Emperor.  
"Uh oh," gulped Lilem as she studied the woman before her.  
"Who are you?" the woman asked, confused.  
"Er, we're just on our way out, so don't mind us," replied Lilem, bowing and dragging Piett in the opposite direction of the woman.  
"Wait!" the woman ordered, raising her hand. "Guards!"  
"No!" yelled Lilem, clutching Piett.  
"What? What?" stuttered Piett, surprised and confused.  
"Piett, you idiot, that's Leia Organa Solo!"  
"Organa Solo? Since when did she get married? And she looked a heck of a lot younger when I saw her picture. And much more beautiful. This can't be Leia Organa."  
Leia was not amused. "Older?"  
"Uh oh," gulped Lilem again. They were now surrounded by guards.  
"Guards, take them away!"  
Leia stomped off, and the guards ushered Piett and Lilem down the hall, taking Piett's blaster in the process.  
"Lilem, do something!" whispered Piett, but was silenced by a "no talking" from one of the armed guards. Lilem took a chance.  
"I don't have control anymore!" she whispered back. "But I can still do something."  
"What?" Piett hissed, but was prodded in the back by a guard.  
"I'M BEING RAPED!" yelled Lilem as loud as she could.  
"Quit making a disturbance!" ordered a guard. Lilem shrugged at Piett, who glowered.  
They were led down the hallway, down very far, to the dungeons.  
"I didn't know the Palace had dungeons," mumbled Piett.  
"Shut up," ordered a guard.  
  
THE END  
  
Next time: What on earth (or Coruscant) is going on here? Where's the comedy gone? Are Piett and Lilem doomed? Will they be able to escape? Who has control of the story now? Where would Piett and Lilem go if they managed to escape? What if they just rotted to death? How does the New Republic treat its prisoners? Who else will show up!? 


	7. Six

Adventures of the Pied Pietts  
Chapter 6  
  
Lilem sighed and rested her hand on her knee. She was alone--or wished she was. Piett was banging on the door and yelling, which had given her a headache.  
"OPEN UP! LET US OUT!" yelled Piett, kicking the door for effect. "I'M AN OFFICER OF THE EMPIRE, AND YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!"  
"Alright, enough, Piett!" snapped Lilem. "Don't you get it? The Empire doesn't have control!"  
"What the blazes are you talking about? We're in the Imperial Palace! Since when doesn't the Emperor have control over his own palace?"  
"Since it stopped being his palace! We're in the future."  
"I refuse to believe that," replied Piett, crossing his arms and pouting.  
"Yeah, well, tough luck," sighed Lilem, rubbing her temples.  
"I refuse to believe that those poor, pathetic Rebels have taken over the Palace. It's simply impossible," Piett continued.  
With a groan, Lilem lay down on the bunk. "They just had to put both of us in the same cell," she grumbled. Piett opened an eyes and looked at Lilem.  
"Well?" he asked expectantly.  
"Well what?"  
"Aren't you going to explain how it is that the Rebels have control over the Imperial Palace?"  
Lilem sat up and glared at Piett, but began. "Look, a Rebel X-wing crashed into the Executor's command deck, knocking the ship out. The Executor crashed into the Death Star, where the Emperor was. Only the Emperor was already dead because Luke Skywalker is Darth Vader's son and the Emperor was trying to kill Luke, so Vader, in his last and only act as Luke's father, threw the Emperor into the reactor core. Oh, and the theory goes to say that the Emperor was controlling everyone's mind, so when he died, everyone was momentarily confused enough so that the Rebels broke through the Executor's defenses." The explanation was accompanied by hand gestures and sound effects, including crashing sounds as one hand, representing the Executor, slammed into another hand, representing the Death Star. "Got it?"  
"No. I don't believe a word of it."  
"Well, let me go further. Since the Emperor was dead, the Empire was now gone, except for a few people who quickly scrambled out of the Rebel's way. The Rebels gained control of Coruscant, and that's why Leia Organa SOLO is in the Palace, and we, being Imperials, have been thrown in the dungeons. Therefore, we have somehow traveled to the future, and escaped your being killed onboard the Executor."  
Piett sighed and sat down on his own bunk. "When was I supposed to die?"  
"From the time I met you, about two weeks."  
"Two weeks?" repeated Piett in disbelief. "But then I wouldn't have died anyways because--"  
The sound of the cell door opening cut Piett off. In marched Leia, obviously intent on handling the situation herself. Before Piett could do anything stupid, Lilem stood up.  
"Gentlelady Leia Organa Solo," she began in a clear, strong voice. "My name is Admiral Lilem Piett, and I represent the New Empire. This is my companion, also named Admiral Piett, and a representative of the same organization I have just named. We have arrived here to bring you our list of demands. If you do not comply, the New Empire will destroy you in the period of two days."  
Leia looked at Lilem, then at Piett, who stood and stood gravely behind Lilem. "You are in no position to make demands," she informed them.  
"Yes, we are," continued Lilem, with an air of being right. "If you do not comply with our demands, we will completely and utterly destroy the New Republic. I will now list our demands. First, complete dismantling of your army and navy. Second, complete dissolution of your government. Third, control over every planet controlled by the New Republic. And finally," said Lilem, taking a deep breath of air, "can you tell me how long it's been since Grand Admiral Thrawn's attack?"  
"In response to your demands: One, no. Two, no. Three, no. Four, it's been ten years."  
"Thank you," said Lilem, resuming her seat.  
"I'm afraid that's not all," Piett said, entering the conversation. He had a smug look on his face. "What my companion has told you is false."  
"Piett!" Lilem yelled, jumping onto her feet. Piett ignored her and continued.  
"If you do not comply with the list of demands, the New Empire will attack in not two days, but two minutes, by which time Lilem and I will have you at blasterpoint."  
Leia crossed her arms and looked down at Piett and Lilem regally. She smiled coyly. "Our intelligence is excellent, and we have heard nothing of this 'New Empire.' I think both of you are lying."  
"You think?" asked Piett in an amused voice. "Can you not tell, being a Jedi?"  
Leia gave a shocked look, realizing Piett was correct. Their minds were blanks.  
With an ever-widening grin and a look of incredible smugness, Piett stared right into Leia's eyes. "Scared, cinnamon buns?"  
Leia's gaze hardened and she gave Piett a Death Glare. It didn't phase him.  
"One minute remaining," he informed everyone present, still looking incredibly smug and grinning. Lilem looked at Piett's face doubtfully, but then started to grin. She took on an air of smugness.  
"I see," she stated mysteriously, assuming the same position as Piett. Leia continued to give the Death Glare, but with no results. She was starting to look frustrated and unhappy.  
Lilem started to chuckle a terrible, evil chuckle. It reverberated around the room, seemed to envelop all inside without increasing in volume. The chuckle grew even more maniacal, until it became a full-blown, evil laugh. Leia didn't cringe, but the guards behind her did.  
"All right, cut it out," Piett snapped at Lilem. She stopped and looked at Piett abashedly.  
"Sorry," Lilem apologized.  
"Ten seconds," Piett informed the room. "Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One--"  
  
THIS IS NOT THE END!!! 


	8. Seven

Adventures of the Pied Pietts  
Chapter 7  
  
A giant tremor shook the building. Leia pulled out a communications link.  
"What was that?"  
On the other end, a voice answered, "we're under attack! Imperial Star Destroyers. Oh my-- There's even a Super-class Star Destroyer!"  
"What!?"  
Piett and Lilem high-fived each other.  
"Yes!" they cheered.  
"To protect the world from devastation!" began Lilem.  
"To unite all peoples within our nation!" Piett continued.  
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"  
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"  
"Team Piett, blast off at the speed of light--"  
"--Surrender now--"  
"Or prepare to fight!" the both finished.  
Leia and the guards gave them a strange look. "What's that?"  
"Haven't you ever seen Pokémon?" asked Lilem.  
"No . . ."  
Piett shrugged. "No matter. We win, you lose."  
Leia looked at the two really hard. She put her hands on her hips, and looked again.  
"Guards, kill them!" she finally ordered.  
"Not so fast!" came a voice. Everyone turned to face the newcomer, who was concealed in shadow. The shadow parted, and there was a person clad in only her underwear and the cap off and Imperial uniform.  
"Mara Jade?" exclaimed Leia.  
"Mara Jade!" exclaimed Piett.  
"Mara Jade," repeated Lilem, partly for effect.  
"Yes. That's right."  
"Mara Jade!" exclaimed Leia again.  
"Mara Jade," sighed Piett. Lilem rolled her eyes.  
Mara rolled her eyes as well. "Right. I'm Mara Jade."  
"In your underwear!?" exclaimed Leia.  
"In your underwear!" exclaimed Piett.  
"In her underwear," repeated Lilem, again for effect.  
"Yes. That's right."  
"In your underwear?" exclaimed Leia.  
"In her underwear," sighed Piett.  
"Right. In my underwear."  
"And an Imperial hat?" exclaimed Leia.  
"And an Imperial hat!" exclaimed Piett.  
"And an Imperial hat," repeated Lilem, obviously getting tired of this game.  
"Yes, yes, now will you be quiet so I can finish talking??"  
"Yes, Mara," Piett and Leia replied simultaneously. Mara sighed in relief.  
"Okay. As I was saying, you can't do this."  
"Why?" begged Leia.  
"I will explain, IF YOU ARE QUIET!"  
Leia shrank back in fear, but Piett just sighed.  
"Okay. Thank you. These two people are from the past. If you kill them, events won't happen correctly, and there will be a different outcome. I met them on the Barney set and accidentally directed them to the wrong door. I didn't realize at the time that these two people are supposed to be on the Executor in two weeks. Two weeks in their time, that is."  
"Wait, wait, wait," interrupted Lilem. "He's supposed to be on the Executor. I'm not. That's because the Executor is going to blow up. I'm just the writer, not a permanent resident."  
"You'd better reconsider that. History says, you were there."  
Lilem grabbed Piett's arm and clutched it tightly in fear.  
"Now, if you don't mind, I will lead them back to their time."  
"Of course, Mara," smiled Leia sweetly. Mara beckoned at Piett and Lilem, who followed. Lilem kicked Leia as she passed and stuck her tongue out.  
"Bleh!" went Lilem. Leia glared, but did nothing. Pulling on Piett and causing him to stop, Lilem ran back and slapped Leia smartly across the face, then skipping back to Mara and Piett. Leia came tearing after the girl, but Mara stopped her.  
"Now, Leia, you can't kill them. If you do, you'll never have Jacen and Jaina because the Empire will be utterly destroyed and Thrawn's attack will never occur. Oh, and Han Solo won't marry you, either."  
Leia swore in a rather un-princessly fashion, but let them go.  
The trio traveled down many hallways, or rather up, as they were leaving the dungeon complex. Soon, they were back at the door.  
"Nuh-uh, I'm not going back in there," said Piett. Mara grabbed him and pressed her body against his.  
"Listen up. I lied. That attack right now--it's you. You can't die in the past if you're attacking us now. Go back. You'll figure out how to survive. Both of you." Nodding smartly, Mara turned and left.  
Piett grinned. "I am the smoothest man in the universe."  
"Well, if I had asked, she would have hugged me, too."  
Piett gave a disgusted look and turned towards the door. He put one hand on it, and Lilem followed his example.  
"Do you think it really leads back to Barney?"  
"Actually, no, because the cafeteria door used to lead into the rest of the ship. This door could lead anywhere," explained Lilem.  
"Here we go!" They pushed open the door.  
  
THE (TEMPORARY) END  
  
Next time: We have absolutely no idea what lies on the other side of the door! This is not a joke!! 


	9. Eight

The Adventures of the Pied Pietts  
  
Chapter 8  
  
Piett and Lilem stepped through the door. Time and space tugged at the corners of reality. Flashes of light flew by, almost seeming to make a pattern, a la 2001: a Space Oddysey. Everything ceased to exist, and then--  
  
They found themselves standing in a clearing surrounded by thick trees and vines. The clearing appeared to be some kind of open corridor, and extended to the left and right. Piett looked around and asked, "Where are we?"  
  
"I don't know," replied Lilem, glancing about herself.  
  
"What, don't you have control over the story?"  
  
"No, I thought you did."  
  
"Well then, didn't Mara?"  
  
Lilem considered. "I don't think so."  
  
Piett placed his hand against the thick vines. They didn't give. "We can only go in two directions," he observed, "unless you have a sword or lightsaber."  
  
"I'm not sure even a sword could cut through these," Lilem said, testing the vines herself. She frowned, then looked to the right and left, trying to decide which direction to proceed in. "Left."  
  
"Oh ho," laughed Piett condescendingly. "Who died and left you in charge?"  
  
"If you're not careful, you!" retorted Lilem, stomping off to the left. Piett snorted and began to walk to the right, soon realizing that Lilem wasn't following.  
  
"What are you doing?" he yelled after her. "You're supposed to be turning and following me in defeat!"  
  
"Yeah, right!" she retorted, not even bothering to turn. Piett ran to catch up to her. Up ahead, they heard some noises. as they continued to walk, the noises grew closer, until it seemed they were coming from just behind the next bend.  
  
As they rounded the bend, a man dressed in green came into view. He was fighting a large plant with teeth. Piett's eyes widened.  
  
The man sensed their approach and turned to face the newcomers, taking his attention from the plant. He seemed about to speak, but the plant suddenly lunged at him and hit him heavily in the shoulder. "Yiagh!" the man cried, flying from the impact. Lilem and Piett gasped in surprise a the man landed with a thud against the hard leafy wall. His sword was pulled from his grasp.  
  
Quickly appraising the situation, Lilem ran and swept up the sword as she passed, charging at the plant. The plant was still recoiling from its last attack, and Lilem chose the weak stem as her point of attack. With a giant leap, she brought the sword down on the plant, slicing the stem in half. The plant instantly dissolved, leaving behind a hard stick.  
  
Piett helped the man sit up.  
  
"Nice work," he groaned, rubbing his shoulder. "Where'd you learn to handle a sword like that?"  
  
"Oh, it just comes naturally," Lilem smiled, swinging the sword. Piett rolled his eyes. The stranger stood up carefully, trying not to stir his shoulder.  
  
"I'm Link."  
  
"I'm Lilem Piett, and this is Admiral Piett, or simply Piett. Pleased t' meetcha!" grinned Lilem, handing Link back his sword. He smiled appreciatively and sheathed the weapon.  
  
"You guys don't look like you're from around here," noted Link, dusting himself off with his good arm.  
  
"How can you tell?" asked Piett looking at Link's long ears. "Does everyone have ears such as yours?"  
  
Link paused to consider. "Actually, everyone has something. Elves have ears, but the Gerudo have really long noses and ears like yours. You guys don't really have any distinguishing features, except for lack of them."  
  
"Really?" piped Lilem, eyes darting skyward. "Not even my appealing bus--"  
  
Piett clamped a hand down on Lilem's mouth. "Yep. That's us. Undistinguishable. Now, can you please tell us where the door out of here is?"  
  
"'Out?'" Link scratched his head. "What 'out?'"  
  
"Er, we're trying to get home, y'see . . ." Piett drifted off.  
  
Link shrugged. "It's not really such a big place here. Are you from around the castle or Lon Lon Ranch? The Gerudo fortress? Kokiri Forest? Well, you're definitely not from there, or else I'd probably know you." He started to mumble to himself.  
  
"Actually, I'm from the United States of America and Piett's from the Galactic Empire," said Lilem, interrupting Link's mumbling and drawing a blank look from Link.  
  
"Ah, is that anywhere near Koholint Island?"  
  
"Piett, we have a problem."  
  
A few hours later, after they had discussed it at what Link referred to as his "former home" over milk from a cow that was inhabiting the place, Piett and Lilem had finally decided to sleep on their problem. Hopefully, it would solve itself in the morning, though Link warned that all the various monsters outside the door would have regenerated by then. Of course, a new problem was encountered. Link's house only had one bed in it. Link, as host, slept on the floor, but Piett and Lilem were not nearly as mature.  
  
"I'm the adult! I could get serious back problems from sleeping on the floor."  
  
"Pah. I'm the lady, so I should get the bed."  
  
"Some lady!"  
  
"Some gentleman!"  
  
"Hey, could you guys quiet down a bit? I really need some sleep, and I'm not used to having to deal with other people's talking," called Link from his uncomfortable position on the floor where he was guarding his injured shoulder.  
  
"Sorry, Link," they both replied remorsefully.  
  
"Here, you take the bed, Piett. I'll sleep on the floor with Link," offered Lilem.  
  
"You most certainly will not!" replied Piett, pushing Lilem in the bed. She rolled out and onto the floor next to Link.  
  
"I won't do anything stupid, Piett. Goodnight!" There was no further argument.  
  
THE END  
  
Next time: Did Lilem end up doing anything stupid? Who's writing this, anyways!? 


End file.
